coming home…
What does it mean to come home to yourself?
This has been my initiation over the last three years (and really lifetimes)… the movement toward myself, the turning inward, looking at the parts of me that are more easily & comfortably left in the shadows: the messy parts, ugly parts, hurt parts, mad parts, jealous parts… the needy parts. Asking– “Can I love those parts too?”
And, it means a recognition of how effectively I have trained myself to stay disconnected
Disconnected from my dark pain, my mourning & grief, even disconnected from my overabundance of joy & ever-expanding love
Disconnected from my power, my soul voice, my inner knowing
And deeply disconnected from my needs as a woman… so I could be a better wife & mother, so I could fit neatly into the box I created for myself– one that our culture hales as the goal: being a loving, giving wife & mother
But what about that rumbling from deep within, that whisper that begs, “don’t forget!” That need that simply can’t be satiated by one more pop-song playlist created to get through ANOTHER round of dishes, one more dance party with the kids to shake off those desires that don’t make sense in your current life… one more time screaming at the top of your lungs on the way to school pickup because you’re so angry at something indescribable– and you know– THIS CAN’T BE IT. This can’t be my life.
But shouldn’t I be grateful? I mean, how lucky am I? I have a driven husband who makes enough money for me to stay home with our beautiful, healthy children– a lovely home with lots of oak trees on our land… I am living the dream… and I CHOSE this life. I am not a victim here.
AND YET– it is not my dream, at least not any longer.
I realized this week that I am truly, deeply BORED, bored down to the marrow of my bones & coursing through my veins. I AM FUCKING BORED. I am so painfully, excruciatingly bored.
Is that allowed?
What do I do now?
I’m so profoundly bored that I don’t even have an answer when I ask myself, “ but what would the truest, most turned-on, fully-alive version of you look like?” I have no idea. Literally. Zero ideas. My mind goes blank because I cannot even imagine what that would look like.
I cannot even imagine it?
THIS IS MY GREAT AWAKENING. This is my call- and the question is- am I brave enough? Am I willing to burn down all of the bullshit limitations, all of the self-created and society-approved cages, to fully release expectations from others, actually let go of my need to please, and to recognize- IT IS TIME?
I have a choice. I have a choice to listen to and honor the voice that comes from the depth of my soul- beckoning me to come home- OR- I can continue to listen to the other voices– the ones from my mind, speaking of comfort & logic, the ones from my loved ones speaking of fear, misunderstanding, disapproval, and the voice of our current culture telling me all of the reasons it’s easier to stay small, fitting neatly into my pretty little box.
BUT I CANNOT DO BOTH.
And, I am no longer willing to stay disconnected while packing one more school lunch, to smile & nod while people ask how I am, to only live barely.
Most of all, I am no longer willing to disappoint MYSELF. So, I will listen to the whispers, the beckoning, the spark alight within. I will not turn outward, I will not disconnect.
NO, IT IS TIME.
I am coming home to myself– to all parts of myself. I am bringing with me so much love, and also grief, sorrow that it has taken me SO long. And more love, and forgiveness, and total compassion and releasing, releasing, releasing and more releasing.
I am discovering the beauty in the ugliest parts of myself, the joy that comes on the other side of pain, the freedom from releasing a belief that’s been held in my DNA for lifetimes.
I am honoring the little girl who was so alone and misunderstood, and the teenager who rebelled because she felt unlovable. The 20 something who tried so hard but could never truly feel like she was living up to the person her father wanted her to be, the thirty-something who was convinced that marriage & kids was THE ANSWER… and now, the woman in her 40s with her eyes and heart wide open. In my ending is my beginning and in my beginning is my ending.
I am stepping into my own heroine’s journey, welcoming the inward spiral, shifting toward inner alchemy, honoring the sacred feminine, having faith in my own divinity & humanity, so that I can learn to walk AS LOVE.
I am choosing to come home… home to myself. And the whisper deep within says, “Welcome! We have been waiting for you.”
And I suddenly recognize that my feet are no longer my own, but my feet carry with them the feet of every one of my ancestors, walking with me each step of the way. My heart does not beat alone, it beats with the life of every ancestor within it. And my love– my love does not simply expand as far as the edges of my body, it expands beyond what I can even imagine– the love within me is not only mine, it is a love built from the souls of every woman who has come before me, every woman in my lineage– a love expansive enough that I can wrap the whole globe in it. And then some. I am them, they are me. We are one. I am whole. I am love. I am home.